Solitude's Requiem
by Shogunate
Summary: Fates deferred. Emotions repressed. Perhaps in the acceptance of individuality lies the remedy for the human void. Is the end of the world sufficient for two distorted souls to find solace from solitude? ShinjixAsuka
1. Intro

**Solitude's Requiem**

**Solitude**

Hold and listen to my heart's lamenting,  
Hold.  
Listen.

Dive deeper down below  
Into the soul,  
Take my hand, I will guide you  
To my shrine of shadows.

As I glimpse back and forth,  
To the diving specters that bury me withal,  
The frightful whispers, the mob,  
Faceless silhouettes that merge to shadows,  
O, alone.

Look at me, now, as silent pleas  
Erupt to die, damn my lies.  
And in the haunting solitude,  
Let my heart once again shut itself…  
It does hurt less so.

The walls are closing,  
A deafening hush stirs in the dark.  
Look at me, if you can.  
Save me, if you can…


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion.

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**Solitude's Requiem**

**Chapter 1**

**"The captivity of the soul commences not in the world, but in the mind."**

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"Do not bare my soul and be silent."

A harbinger of death: Lilith.

The end of the world had come, and the crucifixion of humanity heralded the last step towards divinity.

The Human Complementation Project. So it had come to this. All the fights, all the pain, all suffering, deaths, ardor, all for this…What happens next? Scenarios are unfolding infinitely in the "human dimension", and though identities melt into a hazardous red sea, they are all there. Waiting, for one boy's choice.

Shinji Ikari.

"You say you love me. Look at me."

He gazes at the unfolding horizon. The evergrowing expansion of possibilities that surge withal from Lilith's black moon, escalating, to then fade, as waves, as waves…  
Ripples form in the LCL sea, spreading to the farthest corners of the psyche. Is it the souls of humanity, truly, that bathes in the sea of life,

"Do you need me?"

What is it there for us, humans, and this aching, this desire, to love and be loved? Wherein lies the secrecy of this reciprocity, this dialogue between hearts?

"Will you…love me?"

In the end, I never knew. Emotions…I felt that if I closed the barricades to my heart, then there would be no need to feel at all. That is, perhaps, the easiest way to live life, I mean…It does not hurt, after all.

"I trust you".

Listen to me. I do not need anyone, since no one needs me.

Humans…There they are, all condensed in these diverging specters of red. Wandering, wandering, wandering, to where? I can see them, but they cannot see me. How meager, how infinitely unhappy they are in this pathetic deformity.

Steps resonate in the vacuum of souls. The Room of Gauf has shut, and humanity swells in an endless tide, reverberating on the walls of this box of shadows. Shinji Ikari's silhouette remains as the only source of light. A savior?

I will not save them. Since no one wanted to save me, I will not save anyone. Asuka, Misato, Ayanami, Father, Mother! No one. No one…

I am worthless. I always was. But then, for a most singular moment of my life, I had the hope that this void in my heart could be filled. That I could be granted a purpose for living. That being a pilot, fighting the Angels, was perhaps the remedy for this empty life.

Was I wrong?

"I need you".

For just one moment, people needed me. Misato needed me. The NERV needed me. All these people, they actually needed me! I was useful!

But then, was it truly me?

"Why don't you see?"

Perhaps one of the greatest woes in the heart of men is the incapacity to be accepted. Not only by others, but by oneself.

All that I have done, until now. It has led me to nowhere. These marks in my hands - stigmata! – what are they?

To my left, to my right, upwards, downwards, all is immersed in this bisection of black and red.

Red. Bloody red. Fiery red…

"Do not kill me!"

What will I do now? There is no one too tell me what to do, anymore. It was much easier when all I had to do was to follow orders. It was simpler. Blind obedience does not demand from me anything but resignation. Well, it is the easiest thing for me to do…

Yet, where is my value? I thought that by obeying, by pleasing everyone, I could find value in what I did. But it never seemed to work. The emptiness was always there.

"Do not leave me alone!"

O this vacuum of the human soul, it wallows in this abnormal sense of absence that does but demonstrate the unfathomable response of man to his inevitable condition as individual: solitude.

If it is worthless to obey them, then they should die. If there is nothing to fight for in this world, if this hold in my heart cannot be filled by anyone, if no one will ever save me, then it is worthless to live. There is no purpose in living at all.

These souls…they can all die! I do not need them at all. At all.

It will be, maybe, easier for everyone if they stop trying to worry so much in living, in fighting, in aching, and they all die. Now.

Screams. Shrieks erupt in the chamber's sea, and crosses of light surge endlessly as souls are ripped apart. Teardrops condense in the atmosphere of the Room of Gauf, to then precipitate, in a scarlet bath.

The boy looks up, in wonder. Raindrops accumulate in his empty eyes, to then stream down his cheeks…He drops to his knees.

See? It is easier that way. They do not need to wallow in pain, or self-denial for the rest of their existence. They can all simply die. At least, they will not die alone. Like me. Why did you abandon me, Father?

"Look at me."

14 years old, and the weight of the world upon his shoulders. Behold the final angel, the eclipse of humanity in the hands of one boy, in the verge of collapse.

The Doors of Death are closed. Bang after bang resonates in the dark pits of the room, louder, louder, louder…The doors do not budge.

I can't save anyone. I won't be saved by anyone. I know of that since the very beginning.

A train station. A child cries.

I found comfort as I closed myself deeper and deeper and deeper, until no one could find my heart anymore. Not even me.

Then why does it still hurt…? Why does my heart still hurt? I tried so hard to kill it, I thought I killed it, but here it is, crying again…! My heart. Can I not strangle it with my hands, let it suffocate and die under my vice grip, until it bleeds, it bleeds, and nothing else is left but pure emptiness, blessed absence absolute?! I don't need it! I don't! Why does she keep coming back?!

"Please look at me!"

No! I don't need you! I never needed you! I will never need anyone! Anyone!

"Please save me!"

Save me.

Save.

Me.

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**Author's notes: So…what do you think? I do not quite know where this story is headed, I will try to do something with what my mind can create. Read and Review!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes: Thanks to the advice of , I will try to make my writing clearer and more succinct. See if you like the new tuning…**

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**Solitude's Requiem**

**Chapter 2**

"**Who will believe you, if you do not believe in yourself?"**

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I want this to end.

"You have to make a choice".

Rei appears on the sea of LCL. Her angelic pallor glows in the darkness of the Room of Gauf.

Choice?

"You always have a choice. Ikari-kun…You cannot let other people decide what your fate will be. You cannot let others make all the choices for you. You have to do it for yourself."

A pause.

Really?

"In the end, your life only belongs to you. The problem is, humans are always afraid of this freedom they have, of these seemingly unending possibilities in their existence. But they still are free."

If I let my father tell me what to do, if I followed his orders, I thought I would be happy. Because he would accept me. But this is never sufficient, is it?

"No. It would never be. It would only be a lie, and you would live in denial. The first step is to-"

Accept myself.

"And become-"

Who I want to be.

"Freedom is not what other people concede to you. It is not up to others. The one who opens our mind is your own mind."

And self-pity will never take me anywhere. If I do not become stronger than this "I", then…

"Your life will have no meaning."

Because I would never find the strength to-

"Make it your own."

The answers to my questions, the purpose for my life…It cannot be found anywhere else but in myself.

Rei smiles.

"Hope. That is something that Gendo Ikari could never fit into his scenario. His heart died the moment Yui Ikari was assimilated by Eva 01. He had no more hope."

The Pandora's Box?

"In the end, SEELE was right. In order to achieve divinity, one must open the Pandora's Box and let all the pain, all the suffering escape and spread to the world. Humanity needs to suffer."

It seems too cruel. But perhaps-

"All suffering has meaning. You only need to see the purpose for all pain, and never forget that hope always stays."

I see.

Shinji smiles.

Then, they don't need to die. If they would die, then hope would die too, wouldn't it?

"Yes."

If they can change…If there is a hope for change, then it means I can change too. If only I will it, I can do it.

I can make my life.

"The hope that people will understand the 'Gift of Free-Will', and see that the power to modify their lives and grow does not start in the world, but in themselves."

In order to extract meaning from life, I have to make it what I want it to be.

"God lives in our minds. It is Consciousness, and humans need to realize that reality is but a constant creation of their mind, and if each individual generates the world he sees, then each one of them is their own Divine Creator."

One must hope, in order to-

"Find happiness."

The boy stands up. He walks towards the bridge that separates the Room from the world.

"A time to live. Though death is inevitable, one must do what he can in order to make of mortality a chance to resurrect".

And start again.

"The end marks a beginning."

A drop falls on the sea. Ripples of light spread, bouncing off the walls of shadows in a steady crescendo…And then waves, crashing on whitest light, again and again.

I have to go. It's time.

A faint smile brushes the lips of Shinji Ikari.

I still don't know what I have to do with this life that I'm given. But at least, now, I will give it a try. Thank you, Ayanami.

A lonely tear drop. Rei takes a tentative step towards Shinji, her eyes strangely moist, was she…crying?

A hand. Just holding hands. A seemingly meaningless action in our evermore complex interactions. But it is the most basic sign of affection.

"Will you be fine?"

I think so. Will I see you again?

"Every soul that is in this Room of Gauf can be restored to life, if they find in themselves the will to live again. There is always a possibility, Ikari-kun."

I'm glad. Take care, Ayanami.

"Call me Rei. Goodb-"

No. See you later.

She smiles.

"See you."

A door opens in the other extremity of the Room. Shinji steps outside and falls.

****

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**Pause**

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The world is empty. Red waves crash on the shore, glistening under the moonlight. The sand glows palely, a last reminiscence of beauty in this forsaken Earth.

Tokyo-3 is covered in shadows. The shambled remains of the once glorious metropolis are immersed in darkness. Like rotten teeth, they scrape at the sky, screaming at the pain of the world's destruction.

Silence. All is silent except for the steady crushing of waves on the beach. The sea of LCL spreads infinitely to the horizon, the half-sunken face of Lilith staring, staring at the deserted world in front of her. And the boy.

Shinji Ikari lied on the sand, his eyes gazing at the dimming stars.

'I would have never thought it would end this way.'

His eyes still hurt, as if he just woke up from a very long sleep and his dreams vanished, when he was thrown back to reality. There seemed to be no one, absolutely no one but him the end of the world.

'Perhaps this is the fate I desired. Live alone in the Earth, where no one can ever hurt me anymore. But…loneliness sucks."

He stands up.

'There is nothing left. Everything was destroyed because of the Third Impact…"

He starts walking towards the dead tree. Something glistens on its grey trunk. A cross.

'Misato's cross? Maybe…"

He looks around the scorched forest. It is too dark to see anything, but just maybe…

"Is anyone there?!"

His shout echoes in the woods, to slowly fade away. Silence settles in again.

"Is anyone there?!"

He screams again, and again, and again. Striding back and forth, he searches with frantic eyes for someone, anyone alive. But the darkness is absolute.

"This is not what I asked for! Ayanami! I did not want this! Father! Asuka! Misato! Ayanami! I don't want to be alone!"

He starts running towards the beach. He jumps in the sea of LCL, taking desperate strokes towards Lilith's head. Her sinister smile never fades.

He gulps air and LCL in a frenetic pace, the bloody iron taste never leaving his mouth.

"Mother! Save me! Save me…"

He stops swimming. He floats on the sea, just his head tipping out of the red LCL, in a mocking imitation to the titanic head miles away from him. He drifts impotently as he stares at the empty eyes of Lilith.

"…I don't want to die."

He slowly swims back to the shore, and collapses on the sand.

'I guess this is it.'

He stares at the arch of blood that crosses the night's sky, a trail of souls that take their place in Heaven. Damn irony, he had to fall back to Earth…

'I had asked for life again, but what can it mean if I am completely-"

A body floats on the sea. Shinji can only stare helplessly, as it gently drifts to the shore. The waves deposit it on the white sand, drawing back in silent respect.

Shinji runs towards it- it's so far away!- and kneels right next to it. He cannot see the face. But something about that red hair…

"Asuka?!"

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**Author's Notes: I apologize for slow pace of the second part of this chapter. These short sentences don't help at all. So, now I introduce the main axis of this story. Read and review!**


	4. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes: Sorry for the long pause. I have found inspiration in my vacant time once again.**

**Solitude's Requiem**

**Chapter 3**

"Asuka…?"

There she lay on the sand, her eyelids firmly closed. Shinji blinked once, twice, but still that delicate and beautiful face would not vanish from his eyes.

How he had wished before for her…what? Not even he knew what was that he longed for. In his heart resurged the painful throbbing that sought for comfort, for some cure from that solitude that haunted him.

Sohryu Asuka Langley. Ah, what horrid memories purged into his mind as he reeled in recollection.

Screams. Hatred. Pain. Rejection. Distinctly he felt every single emotion in his spirit, yet there was no option at the time, no time to even rationalize what was it that he felt pulsing in his heart. Shinji Ikari was desperately lonely.

So he ran. Desperately, he ran to the unconscious girl who lay on the sand. Waves crashed, fragments of shimmering light melting into thin air. The world ceased to revolve, halting to contemplate that most singular event. Human contact.

Where does the line emerge? Where commences the distinction between the individual existence and the dialogue between them? It is seen as a human dependence in order to attain social survival, but is it truly so? Or is it something…deeper?

Shinji dropped to his knees.

"Asuka! Hey! Are you okay?"

The girl would not answer, and her chest did not seem to move. Drops of perspiration collected on her forehead, but she did breathe. Desperate, Shinji shook her weak body back and fro, yet no sign of life appeared.

"Asuka! Asuka! Please!"

Tears streamed down his cheeks, and as he persisted shaking her body, a foreboding silence settled on the beach. Silent sobs, and the haunting smile of Lilith as she beheld the Two Children.

"Asuka…!"

Silence.

Shinji collapsed next to the Second Child, sobbing uncontrollably. There was Lilith, smiling ironically at his pain, as he realized that his only hope for companionship in that doomed world was the girl who hated him, and that not even that was granted him by the All-Merciful God.

Nope, scoffed at, laughed at. Shinji Ikari, behold, Adam without Eve, to wither in solitude, that is your Requiem. He laughed.

Hysterically, his whole body trembled with frenzied laughter and he stood, madness creeping into his eyes, and he stared obstinately at Asuka.

"So this is it? Ha! So this is it?"

Silence.

"I tell you God, you have a sick sense of humor! Well, Asuka, it seems that it's only you and me now. And what do you do? Sleep? Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be screaming. Well, I don't give a shit!"

And he jumped onto her throat, strangling with all his might as he laughed maniacally.

"I will teach you justice! I will show you how merciful I am! Shinji, the Merciful! Repent, and I will kill you!"

And he choked the girl even more viciously, his eyes rolling in frenzied joy. Justice! Imprecating morals? What morals, if the Ego is absolute?

Yet then, in that most singular instant, a sign. Slowly, terribly slowly Asuka's hands twitched. Scars lay hidden behind the white bandages that covered her arm, yet, not even she knew quite why, she raised it and… touched him.

And suddenly burst within Shinji Ikari that painful realization that he was about to kill her. The only person who could ever possibly give him companionship in that God-forsaken scenario, and he was about to murder her. And he cried.

Uncontrollably, gasping for breath as tears streamed into his lips and poured onto Asuka's face, he wailed in desperation at his agony. Who could understand him?

Who would understand the pain of his solitude? It was not simply a self-imposed alienation, it was the unbearable pain of living through every human's sins, every recollection and repressed memory, and carrying them all in his heart. Who would understand him?

He let go of Asuka's throat, and sat down besides her. Not even remorse pulsed in his veins anymore. A rather detached numbness installed itself comfortably in his spirit, and he was silent.

"I feel sick…"

Astonished, he looked to the rising body of Asuka Langley, as she winced at the painful bruises on her throat. She stared at him firmly, with a cold hatred that sent shivers down his spine.

"What were you doing, baka?"

Shinji did not reply. Instead, he remained staring at her, his sanity already long gone. He grinned.

'What a sick dream. Doesn't He pity me?'

"Hey, baka, I'm talking to you. What the fuck were you doing?"

She raised her left arm to slap him, but her right arm trembled, and she fell on the sand with a loud thud. Bitter anger swelled in her chest as she spat out the sand that entered her mouth. How she hated feeling weak!

"You idiot, don't just keep staring at me! I can't use my arms!"

Shinji blinked. Once. Twice. Yet her beautifully crimson hair would not vanish from his sight. Still so soft…

"Baka!"

Gradually returning to reality, Shinji helped Asuka lay down on her back once again, but pulled her away from the beach so that the bloody smell of the LCL would not bother both of them. The crippled trees loomed ominously around them, and a persistent mist cloaked the surroundings.

He didn't dare to talk, in fear of breaking away from the dream. See, it is merely a question of preserving the illusion of companionship in a world that most certainly would have doomed him. He was condemned since the beginning to carry the cross alone.

He stood up.

"It won't do me any good staying here longer. I know that…this is nothing. There is no one. Absolutely no one."

No hope. I think it quite difficult for the reader to understand how frail the concept of sanity is when reduced to solitude absolute. It is often times found that the reassurance of a similar perspective serves as a sustentation to our own perspective upon the world.

Such similarities respond for the view of Logic as a principle, as a self-regulating mechanism that breaks down reality into comprehensible bits. But if one is alone with himself, that Logic is no longer available.

Why? Axioms and systems of belief are but social constructions, it is undeniable that once the ego has no longer a corresponding point of reference upon the world, it is no longer possible for it to comprehend in itself, absolutely, how life is to be conducted. Question yourself but once: what gives you purpose?

But I wander off, let me return to the story at hand…

He began to walk away, when a silent sob reached his ears. He turned around, surprised, and saw the shimmering blue eyes of Asuka shedding quite tears.

"Fine! Go! Walk away! I don't need you! I don't need anyone! Leave me alone, like everyone else! I don't need you!"

She burst into tears, contemplating with desperation how tragic her situation was. No one but Shinji, that pitiful excuse for a man, what a shame! And that awful smell of blood that still pierced through her lungs, going up to her tongue, metallic and cold.

She shivered uncontrollably, and flashes of memories pierced her mind, again and again. White vultures, gnawing teeth, that sick, sick smile as they lunged towards her, violating her body, desecrating her, dirtying her. She cried even more.

And still, why? Why? As warm tears fell from her eyes, she began to mumble, quietly…

"Why? Why, why, why…"

And she looked to the dark sky above, seeking the shining stars, the blood arch and beyond. The celestial firmament rose inexpugnably above her frail frame. And she wondered how a 14-year old girl was supposed to carry the weight of humanity upon her shoulders, as the End of Evangelion reveled its true apocalyptic horror to the two teenagers.

She smiled sadly.

"Why?"

**Author's Notes: Sorry if the mood is quite depressive, but I urge you to understand. If you realized that you were the only survivor of the End of the World and your only company was the person who you hated the most, would you laugh? Guess not. I will try to develop more both characters, but I hope this chapter reveals my framework in depicting solitude, which is, truly, my main theme in this story. Read and Review please!**


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